PETA Speaks Out Against Mario's Tanuki Suit

A friend of mine recently linked me this article, and I was honestly astounded.  I'm sure some of you have already heard about this, but for those that aren't interested in reading the linked article (and would rather read my article), PETA has released statements criticizing Nintendo for adding the Tanuki Suit to the recently released Super Mario 3D Land.  Yes, they are upset about the suit originally seen in Super Mario Bros. 3 that allowed Mario to fly and turn into a stone statue.   To be honest, there are times when I can somewhat empathize with PETA.  Their crusade for animal rights normally doesn't garner much of a reaction from me (outside of a raised eyebrow), but this is just too silly to pass up.  For an organization that is already a punchline in most circles, you might have assumed that they would have thought this through a little more before they released public statements.  Rational thought goes out the window when PETA smells headlines, apparently.

Mario, the very embodiment of animal cruelty.

First of all, PETA is a little late to the party on this one, 23 years late to be exact.  I'm guessing that members of PETA didn't have the NES growing up, because they never saw fit to protest the game that first featured the suit.  Either way, releasing statements about an item originally introduced 23 years ago is not the best plan in the world, primarily because it only serves to make the organization look completely ridiculous.  It's almost as if someone bought the game upon release, saw the suit, and immediately thought to themselves: "This is my chance, now I can truly make a difference!" I understand that PETA is trying to save the Tanukis, but they're really going about it the wrong way, undermining their own cause in the process.  If Japanese raccoons are continually being harvested for their fur, I'm pretty sure it's because the trappers are desperate for money, not because they want to give people the ability to fly and turn to stone on a whim.  I'm also fairly confident that the fur trade existed WAY before Mario come to be.  Just a thought.

This attack on Nintendo also makes no attempt to be relatable to the average gamer, which also happens to be PETA's intended target.  It's almost a slap in the face when their Executive Vice President, Tracy Reiman, says things like "This winter, everyone can give raccoon dogs and other fabulous animals a 1-UP by keeping our wardrobes fur-free." I know what you're thinking:  "She used the phrase '1-UP'!  She totally understands me as a gamer!" Yes, I feel the same way.  It's really too bad that she doesn't seem to realize that giving them a 1-UP would imply that they would come back to life after we killed them.  Zombie Tanukis, anyone?

Another thing that bothers me about this is that Mario isn't exactly running around killing Tanukis in his COMPLETELY REALISTIC world.  He hits question mark boxes with his head and a feather pops out that instantly gives him the suit.  How does Mario know where the magical feather came from, or even what it does?  He runs around throwing fire balls at giant, angry, mullet-wearing turtle kings that have a knack for kidnapping his girlfriend.  In Mario's world, you just have to accept the fact that some really crazy stuff is going on, and take help where you can find it.  Questioning the ethical implications of a suit is not on the top of Mario's to-do list when he's under siege by plumber-seeking bullet-men and man-eating plants.

Mario World is identical to the streets of Detroit.
The only difference being that Detroit has WAY more magic mushrooms.  

From what I can tell, the Tanukis referred to by the game are also mythical creatures that do not actually exist outside of Japanese folklore, not the raccoon dogs that PETA is trying to save.  Since these mythical creatures are not real, wouldn't that imply that Mario could just as likely be wearing fake fur, blessed by the raccoon gods?  If anything, Mario is paying homage to his furry protectors!  Perhaps PETA should start an alliance with everyone's favorite mustachioed plumber, instead of criticizing his choice of wardrobe.  You know what?  I'll even let PETA use my alliance idea without crediting me, simply because I'm feeling generous.  You're welcome, PETA.

When it really comes down to it, what's with all this protesting for the Tanukis anyways?  We all know who the real victim is in all the Mario games.  That's right: Bowser.  I don't see PETA protesting the continual destruction of Bowser's property, the systematic elimination of all of his children, or his inevitable beat-down at the end of nearly every single Mario game.  Bowser has been thrown into lava, set on fire, drowned, and beaten to a pulp more times than anyone should ever be able to count, and yet he carries on.  Bowser has been on the receiving end of so much punishment, that I seriously question how he still maintains the will to keep on fighting.  My theory?  Either the Koopa King is a masochist, or Princess Peach must have something pretty awesome going on underneath that pink dress (even gargantuan, spiky Turtle Warlords need love).  We may never truly know.

Mario, Bowser, and other references to Nintendo franchises are the property of Nintendo.