Sid Meier's Civilization 5: My Adventures - Episode 1

This is a new segment I will be writing from time to time.  For those of you that know me, it comes as no surprise that I am a fan of the Civilization games.  I have poured countless hours into the recent embodiment of genius that is Civ 5, and I have come away from it with more than my fair share of stories, to say the least.  I intend to share these experiences with the general public by way of these posts.  For those of you that have never played any of the Civilization titles: do not be afraid to read on (but shame on you for not playing them!).  This segment will not be jargon-heavy, so those of you that have no knowledge of the series should still be able to enjoy the stories as much as an experienced Civ player.

My Adventures in Civilization 5 
Episode 1:  European Treachery

Pachbel (the same Pachbel who writes weekly for this blog) and myself have played several Civ 5 multiplayer campaigns.  We team up against other teams of computers and try our hands at different victory types.  Right after I purchased the game, we decided to jump right into an online game.  I picked the Chinese, and he picked the Japanese.  Since it was our first time playing the game, we had no real plans on pursuing any particular victory.  We started the game, only to find out that we ended up on continents on the opposite side of the map.  So naturally, we decided that our first objective would be to join our two civilizations in an unholy union of world superpowers.  To accomplish this, we needed to explore first.  Things started fairly slow as we ran around with our scouts to check the surrounding landscape.  However, it wasn't long before I found a World Wonder (in the form of Cerro de Potosi) and was promptly distracted by the riches it promised.  After quickly looking up the purpose of obtaining wonders, I began to try and expand my empire towards the gem-encrusted mountain.  While I was working towards this, I happened upon the esteemed Elizabeth of England.  Excited about the prospect of procuring an ally for our empire, I decided to try an exercise in diplomacy with the English queen.  Of course, Elizabeth wanted no part in anything I had to offer, promptly threatening me with the wrath of the Redcoats should I get in her way.  Not one to shy away from a challenge, I decided to test her resolve (I wasn't about to let her steal Cerro de Potosi) - and she definitely held true to her word.

Off in the Land of the Rising Sun, things weren't going as well for Pachbel (which is saying something, since I was at the brink of war with an angry Brit).  While I was off chasing wonders and hobnobbing with bitter queens, my ally was toiling in misery while fighting off the barbarian horde.  For those of you that have not played the game, barbarians are essentially the trolls of Civ 5.  They never manage to do any real damage to your cities, but if you leave a worker/settler unattended, you can bet that some upstart barbarian gang will show up to snatch that precious citizen right out of your hands.  This also applies to leaving a low health military unit out in the open, or leaving a city without the protection of at least one capable defender.  Whenever you're vulnerable, the Barbs will find a way to troll you.  They'll burn every tile improvement you have, kidnap any unprotected worker they can find, and pick off any low health unit that doesn't have support, and then simply leave your lands to go troll someone else (or perhaps start 4chan) - presumably while listening to this song the entire time.  Barbarian camps also work like the heads of the mythical Hydra.  If you incinerate one camp, two or three more will spring up to take its place.  By this point in the game, Japan had not one, not two, but SEVEN barbarian camps surrounding it from all sides.  Needless to say, things were not going well for Japan - leaving me without allied support against England.

Barbarians:  the epitome of wit and elegance.

Without the help of my allies on the other side of the world, I was going to have to find a way to hold off a British invasion with my currently undermanned Chinese forces.  This was when I discovered the beauty of the devastating Chu-Ko-Nu.  For those that don't know, the Chu-Ko-Nu is China's version of a crossbowman.  However, comparing a Chu-Ko-Nu to a normal crossbowman is like comparing an atomic bomb to a cherry bomb.  The former destroys nations, while the latter destroys toilets.  I had a whopping two of these deathdealers to hold off the entirety of the British army, and I was able to do it with ease.  The crossbow volleys were too much for the cranky Elizabeth, and so the Red Coats retreated - with my army suffering nothing more than a single death.  Her majesty retreated back to her own borders (which were touching mine at this point) to regroup.

Elizabeth was not aware of this universal truth.

It was at this point in time that I was introduced to the noble Napoleon.  The Frenchman apparently hated the Brits just as much as I did, and he was more than eager to ally against them, IF I provided him with an open borders treaty.  I should have found it suspicious that the diminutive general happened to have 10-12 troops stationed right outside my borders before the treaty was signed, but I dismissed it as him providing me with assistance against my British oppressors.  I was about to find out one of Civ 5's life lessons - never trust Napoleon.  Sure enough, the French wasted no time flooding my borders with their troops, all under the guise of helping in the fight against Elizabeth.  A few moments later, Napoleon promptly revealed his ace in the hole - allying with the Brits and attacking my cities from within my own borders.  I was now holding off invasions on two fronts from two European superpowers.  My Chinese empire was in serious trouble.

At this point you might be saying: "Hey Boston, where the hell is Pachbel's Japanese army?" Sadly, I was wondering the very same thing.  Japan had indeed finally broken through the Barbarian blockade, only to find that the two of us were separated by the majority of the ocean.  Upon being told of my plight, Pach sent a few contingents of Samurai to help me in the war effort.  Sadly, the war would most likely end before the majestic swordsmen even reached their destination.  Having just broken free from his barbarian rulers, it was at this time that Pachbel decided to do what any emperor would have done in his situation - he set out to find things to murder.  Japan embarked on a mission to take over the entirety of the Southeastern continent.  This started with the systematic obliteration of anything that even resembled a barbarian camp.  After that task was complete, Pachbel set his sights on any and all nearby city-states.  City-states are just like civilizations, except they typically only have a single city.  They are mostly used as pawns to supply your empire with resources or soldiers.  Hardened from the dark ages of barbarian oppression, Pachbel ignored the potential usefulness of the city-states and began to take over each and every one he could find.  The city-states fought hard, but the might of Japan was just too much for them to handle, and Pachbel soon found himself the proud owner of 6 new cities - spread all across his continent.  However, the Japanese bloodlust had not yet been sated.  Pachbel only hungered for more, setting his sights on Gandhi's India.  Gandhi replied by declaring war on us, but this didn't deter Pachbel one bit.  He wouldn't be stopped until every Indian city was flying a Japanese flag.

Sorry Gandhi, but "peace" isn't on the menu. 
We can definitely do the tempura though.

Back over in my neck of the woods, I had successfully managed to destroy most of the French invaders and roughly 2/3 of the British army.  At this point, Napoleon did the very thing that the French do best - he retreated.  Stationing half my troops at home to protect my flank from the feisty Brits, I began my Occupy France campaign.  The difference between Occupy France and Occupy Wall Street is that my campaign didn't involve tents and homeless protesters, it involved me hunting down anything in a blue coat and making them wish they'd never screwed with the Chinese.  After chasing the French halfway to their capital, I had begun to think that I may have been a little over-zealous.  I sent my troops to regroup back in my cities.  Thankful for the reprieve, Napoleon retracted his declaration of war and requested a proclamation of friendship.  With my crossbow-wielding death machines in tow, I was still feeling good about my ability to hold off any invasions, so I accepted the proclamation.  After seeing that I was now friendly with France, Elizabeth signed a peace treaty.  Things were now fairly quiet on the Chinese front, so I began to expand my empire wherever I could find useful resources.  My science score was also getting fairly high, so Japan and I were pumping out technological advancements like nobody's business - shooting us ahead of the competition by leaps and bounds.   Would this prove to be our rivals' crucial mistake?

Over in the land of the Japanese Crusades, Pachbel had convincingly conquered India.  With Gandhi out of the picture, he set his blood-hazed gaze upon his new target: the Persian Empire, led by Darius the Great.  Until this point, Darius had never bothered with the Japanese, but that didn't stop Pachbel from attacking the noble Persian with his battle-hardened Japanese army.  This war lasted several decades, but eventually Persia would fall to the swarm of samurai and cannons at Japan's disposal.  Having completely dominated his own continent, Pachbel decided that he would finally make the long-awaited trek across the ocean to pay a visit to my empire.  His small Samurai contingent had already made their way to my side of the world, but they had been distracted by the prospect of conquering yet another city-state, so they never managed to make their way to my borders.  I was faring quite well at this point though, as I was able to rake in large amounts of money and resources while at peace for the first time in ages.  My army was also quite sizable, and I had a technological advantage over all of my rivals.  Elizabeth was too intimidated to actually try and attack me at this point, but that didn't stop Napoleon NaTROLLeon.  True to his nickname, the warmonger suddenly requested that I open my borders to him again.  Not one to fall for the same trick twice, I refused.  This angered Napoleon, but not enough to declare war.  I decided to send a unit of fast-moving cavalry to scout my borders.  Sure enough, there was Napoleon's army, preparing for yet another invasion.  I repositioned my defensive troops to block his entry into my domain.  Upon reaching the blockade, the foolhardy Frenchman declared war - charging at me with everything from Musketeers to Cannons.  Unfortunately (for Napoleon), my technology was more advanced than the French had anticipated, and I wiped out half of the invasion without suffering a single casualty.  Napoleon's French instincts took over again, and he retreated back to his homelands.

"I'm also great at starting fights I can't finish"
- Napoleon

It was tempting to back off and continue to advance my civilization as best as I could, but I had my fill of this backstabbing Frenchman.  Knowing that the Japanese would be there to protect me from an attack by the English, I moved the majority of my army to the west to do what I should have done ages ago - track down and destroy the French empire.  Elizabeth, ever the opportunist, saw my attack on Napoleon as a chance to grab some French cities of her own.  She promptly declared war on the Blue Coats and set off for Paris.  Pachbel's army had arrived on my borders around this time, and had begun positioning itself in a defensive posture around my cities.  Knowing that Elizabeth had left her borders relatively unguarded, the battle-hungry Japanese began to salivate over the prospect of seizing some British land.  Pachbel and I agreed that we could wait until Napoleon had been dealt with before we decided on Britain's fate.

When I arrived in France over to the west, Napoleon had mustered up a pathetic defensive line as a last ditch effort to dissuade my invasion.  I vaporized the defenders in moments, making them nothing more than a speed bump on my road to Paris.  I set upon the first city in my sights, taking it over with little effort.  I stationed a defensive garrison inside my first French city, and aptly renamed it "New Beijing." I set upon two other outlying cities, taking them as easily as I had taken the first.  Once I had properly garrisoned those cities, I had caught the scent of freshly-baked French baguettes.  I followed my nose and finally laid eyes upon Paris.  I decided to take my time and explore the French empire before committing to the siege of the capital.  As I expected, Elizabeth had already taken two southern cities, and was marching her troops over to Paris.  I was not going to let the Brits steal my thunder, so I redirected 7 troops to cut off the English soldiers - prematurely ending their celebratory champagne drinking.  I arrived just before the Red Coats and promptly surrounded the French city.  Just before his capital fell, I received a peace treaty request from Napoleon.  Sadly, my hearing was damaged from the cacophony of mortar-fire, and the warmonger's plea fell on deaf ears.  I proceeded to take Paris while the British watched.  Elizabeth did not appear to be phased by this, but she was also likely intimidated by my military prowess.  After I secured the once-French cities with adequate defenses, I started my long march home.  Knowing that the English were doing the same, I managed to edge ahead of their march, preventing them from reaching the English borders.  The Japanese were stationed around two English cities, and I had successfully surrounded the entire British army out in the open.  I'm sure you can guess what followed.

Wow, I can smell that delicious French Chinese bread from here!

If you guessed that we had several tea parties with the queen while we reminisced about Napoleon's traitorous behavior, you'd be wrong.  We set upon the British with the ferocity of a pack of wolves, and there was nothing that Elizabeth could do.  We quickly laid waste to all her outlying cities, making our way towards London, Elizabeth's last bastion of hope.  The combined might of the Chinese and Japanese armies was just too much for the English queen, and she fell just as all our other opponents did, as we rose from the ashes in triumph.  We had successfully conquered the world.  However, this was not the end for Boston and Pachbel, so stay tuned to The Little Gaming Blog to hear about our next adventure.  Happy reading!